If I were a month, I'd be last month.
If I were a day of the week, I'd be Humpday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be the time of day somebody wouldn't give you.
If I were a planet, I'd be Pizza Planet.
If I were a sea animal, I'd be Jörmungandr.
If I were a direction, I'd be "Action!"
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be that thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is.
If I were a liquid, I'd be -- well, um, *cough*
If I were a gemstone, I'd be GemStone.
If I were a tree, I'd be a B-tree.
If I were a tool, I'd be --- oh, who am I fooling? I am a tool.
If I were a flower, I'd be cauliflower.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be Stormy Weather.
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a theremin.
If I were a color, I'd be the color of money.
If I were an emotion, I'd be weltschmerz.
If I were a fruit, I'd be the seeds of our discontent.
If I were a sound, I'd be "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT RACKET?"
If I were an element, I'd be a Honda Element.
If I were a car, I'd be a Honda Element. (Are you even paying attention?)
If I were a food, I'd be one of those cupcakes that you just know you shouldn't eat, you'll feel so terrible later, but it's just so tempting and you've had an awful day anyway and maybe it would be okay to have just one but you really shouldn't, you're just going to feel so bloated and cranky in an hour, but but oh god OM NOM NOM NOM
If I were a place, I'd be third place.
If I were a material, I'd be a material witness.
If I were a taste, I'd be the first taste, the one that's free.
If I were a scent, I'd be the scent of the escaped prisoner.