a tragic obsession with butts

[topaz]

I was pointed this morning at an op-ed piece in the Boston Globe complaining about cyclists: "The cure for road rage? Bike laws."

It's a cranky-making piece, but it included this intriguing bit:

A whole pack of them will stop for a second, with their bottoms facing me, and they communicate with those bottoms. Most of their messages are negative. A raised bottom means "Get off the road, you gas-guzzling pig!"

At the red light, they will all start to move through as if it’s green, and I start to follow them, not realizing the light is still red. The nearby police officer is empathetic but firm, as they ride off but I don’t. I look ahead and see their last bottom message, the raised and squeezed one that means: "See Ya, Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya!"

So, inspired by this passage, here's the letter I sent the Globe.  I don't actually expect them to publish it (as keyne points out, it's really too long), so you guys get it here:

Monique Doyle Spencer's heartbreaking op-ed piece of August 13 paints a vivid picture of a motorist driven to distraction by cyclists' butts.  Her entire morning commute is, to her eyes, packed from curb to curb with bicyclists' upraised and squeezed posteriors, wagging in her face, taunting her.

It is a tragic story that we cyclists have grown to know all too well.  Hardly a cyclist on the road has gone a week without hearing a driver honk in appreciation of their posterior, and it is a common experience to hear a driver pull alongside and complement us on a "fat ass."  Yes, we understand the fascination drivers have with our buttocks.

Ms. Doyle Spencer, however, has apparently taken this obsession to an unhealthy extreme.  She describes becoming so consumed by the rear ends of the cyclists in front of her that she has nearly run red lights.  Her fixation has become so acute that she seems to think our butts are actually talking to her.

I hope that Doyle Spencer is able to find help; I would not wish her fate on anyone.  Ms. Doyle Spencer, please know that we Boston cyclists have you in our thoughts.  And so do our butts.

Comments

[kcatalyst.livejournal.com]

Whoa, yeah. Someone has some serious issues when she is hearing taunting messages from strangers' asses.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

That's a pretty jerky columnist right there.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

I thought your reply was *great*. They should totally print it.

[Edited: used the wrong icon]

[soong.livejournal.com]

It must be that season or something, I liked this recent rant on boston.com vs bicyclists (http://bluemassgroup.com/diary/16492/on-unruly-cyclists-part-i).

[sconstant.livejournal.com]

I predict that it's in. Either way, it's going to be framed on the wall of the editorial staff room.

[jacflash.livejournal.com]

Perfect.

[kcatalyst.livejournal.com]

Eek! Your bottom is telling me that I haven't done the dishes and the review I'm writing is too harsh! I'm going to write a letter to the Boston Globe complaining about it.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Day-um. My bottom's a mean bitch.

[missionista.livejournal.com]

Maybe if I heard talking bottoms, I'd be more psyched to drive.

[randysmith]

Maybe it's sorta like poetry interpretation? Your bottom is in the mind of the beholder? ;-}

[randysmith]

Chuckle/sigh. I hear ya.

It's interesting, though--I've been out (for me) bicycling a lot recently, and I've been struck by how *differently* different cyclists behave (stopping at lights, not stopping at lights, using pedestrian crosswalks/lights, crossing intersections diagonally if there's a virtual lane free in the traffic, riding on the left side of the road (*), claiming space, calling out "on your left" when passing cyclists/pedestrians or not, etc). Many of the variations are illegal, which I don't condemn because of that (my own personal list of habits includes some illegal stuff). But it has struck me that one plus of policeman actually enforcing traffic laws on cyclists would be that they'd act more consistently, and hence more predictably for the cars (and other bikes) around them. Which I could imagine being a win.

(*) This one had me first unable to believe my eyes (he was weaving in and out of the *oncoming* traffic) and then wanting to scream. Not all cyclist codes of conduct are created equal :-{.

[docstrange.livejournal.com]

Wow. That op-ed reads like it was written from the "how to write an op-ed against anything that happens to bother you and make it sound like the world should regulate things because they happen to disturb you."

Change a few words and it could be about scary knives sold in REI stores, breast feeding in public, or that new James Joyce book that will harm the children.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was one of the dumbest columns I've read in a while.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Day-um. My bottom's a mean bitch.

I'll say. It's telling me right now to go to my bunk.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

It would make my commute a lot more entertaining, that's for sure.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

I would really, really, really love to see the police ticketing cyclists for reckless behavior more often, for just that reason. (In fact, as someone pointed out, it would be nice to see the police start ticketing ANYBODY in the city for traffic infractions.)

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Well, James Joyce is one scary bastard. I can relate to that.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

So apparently my bottom is a top.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

More like the Mirror of Erised...

[randysmith]

*chuckle* Yup, that sounds about right :-}.

[malefica-v.livejournal.com]

If I was old enough to understand that I'd have drawn beverage through my nose. 'scuse me while I grab a tissue.

[malefica-v.livejournal.com]

What do cyclists's butts say when they live in trailer parks?? Dunno, but I know who ta ax about it!

http://www.startribune.com/local/south/53060587.html

[harimad.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but "terroristic acts"? Is that like terrorism? Terrorism is intended mass destruction aimed at a target other than the actual offender, with the goal of changing the offender's actions. This is attempted aggravated assault, plain and simple.

[harimad.livejournal.com]

Oooh, good one!

(I leave it to the assembled readership to decide the antecedent for the pronoun.)

[malefica-v.livejournal.com]

Indeed. One rule of police action: make it sound much worse than it is, in order to have the prosecutor accept the plea bargain for something approximating the crime that occurred.

Music, man!

[harimad.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't you be listening to Queen (http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Bicycle-Race-lyrics-Queen/5143FBFDE0AA6AB44825689400022B7A) (or maybe Queen (http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Fat-Bottomed-Girls-lyrics-Queen/01FECDA021BB25A84825689400039B68) while we discuss this?

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

I love your letter. :)