Morgan and Gwydion

[topaz]

When Morgan was born, he came home a slender little thing, less "economy size" than "travel size." He weighed just a bit under eight pounds. Gwydion weighed almost twice as much at that point, and it was seeing them side by side that drove home to me just how tiny Morgan was.

We were worried about how Gwydion would react to having a new person in the house. He'd always been a moody, cantankerous beast, not quick to take to new people and easily disturbed. He may go from contented purring to hissing and spitting in a matter of seconds; a vet told Ellen years ago that this behavior was due to tiny seizures.

But it turned out we had nothing to worry about. Gwydion recognized right away that this little person we'd brought home was another member of the family. Rather than push him away, Gwydion would seek Morgan out, come find where he was doing his baby thing, and curl up next to him. When Morgan started kicking and flailing, as newborns are prone to do, Gwydion would glare at him and might shift position a bit, but generally demonstrate a level of patience that we had not seen in him before.

Morgan, growing into a boy, seemed to be impatient with Gwydion. He often asked about getting another pet, like a bunny rabbit or a hamster. We have always been nervous about keeping pets who were natural enemies of each other, so I would tell Morgan that we would talk about it when Gwydion died. This prompted unsavory thoughts like, "I hope Gwydion dies soon," "I can't wait for Gwydion to die so we can get another pet," and "Can we get another pet right away as soon as Gwydion dies?"

These were especially difficult questions for me because, in fact, we do not think it will be that long until Gwydion dies. He has been suffering kidney disease for well over a year. The KD foods we have tried on him don't appear to have helped much. Hardly a day goes by that he doesn't vomit somewhere in the house, usually two or three times. It makes us angry and frustrated with him, for making life so difficult, and that in turn makes us angry and ashamed of ourselves. Morgan's questions were not unreasonable for a four- or five-year-old who doesn't yet have a strong grasp of what death is and what it means to people, but we were already worn raw by Gwydion's ill health, and Morgan's questions burned me yet worse.

This week we will be talking with our vet about treatment options -- the next step, probably, will be pilling -- and we started using words like "putting him to sleep." We sat down yesterday to talk to Morgan about this possibility. He just about fell apart. Ellen and I held him while he sobbed uncontrollably. "I just hate to think that Gwydion won't still be with us," he said.

I felt like an idiot for not realizing how bonded he was to the cat. We can see that bond every day, when Morgan and Quinn go tearing off across the house, playing tag with him. Even if Morgan feels impatient sometimes to get a new pet, Gwydion has been a part of his family since he was born. We talked to him about this, too. "I guess that Gwydion always was my friend and I just didn't know it until now," he said.

Smart kid.

Later that day Morgan sat down with his markers and a drawing pad. Ellen and I left him alone, figuring that doing some drawing was the best way for him to calm down. In a little while he came to us and showed us his picture. He had drawn a living room couch, with Ellen sitting on one side and me lying on the other, and himself -- as a baby -- curled up with Gwydion in between us. Above the couch there are hanging pictures with hearts in them, and on the right of the picture there is a cat's face inside a heart.

My son still had tears on his cheeks. "I just want to keep something that will help me remember what Gwydion was like," he told me.

Morgan is six and a half years old. I tell people sometimes that he's six going on twenty-three. Usually that's when we're having trouble persuading him to put on his jacket before going out. But it's true in many other ways as well. I hope never to shut myself off from all that my son has to teach me about the resiliency of life.

Comments

[catya.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

we were lucky, i guess, that sharra's illness was pretty quiet - we knew she was sick, i had been tyring to make time to get her to the vet, but she wasn't pissing or throwing up around the house or whatever, so it was just that she was sick and that was worrisome, not all of the emotions around the hassle factor.

Zach and Gabe did pretty well with it when she died, but i wonder sometimes if that's partly just that she was never really a cat that liked kids at all, and pretty well stayed out of their way. Certainly I think Zach would be a lot more distraught if Lila died now. :-/

re: Morgan - Smart Kid indeed. *hugs* for him.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the whole thing with Gwydion's sickness makes it hard for us to identify our emotions on the subject cleanly. How much is our feeling of "if we can't make life better for him maybe we should quietly end his misery" colored by "this is all really EXPENSIVE and ANNOYING"? Which is not something I'm proud to admit. But it's there.

This is also hard for me to talk about because I'm not even really a cat person -- Gwydion has really always been keyne's cat, not mine. So I really do not feel that it would be appropriate for me to make decisions like this. I try hard to take the back seat, let Ellen take the lead, and support whatever she thinks is best.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

[sniffle]

[sigh]

Death never gets easy, does it. Even when it's best. And Morgan, bless him, can teach us all a few things.

[moontoad.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Kids are really fantastic.

For Gwydion, have you tried a regular food that has the lower levels of stuff in them that follows the prescription food? Wellness is one brand that is often cited. It might stay down for Gwydion a bit better.

[beowabbit]

I’m so sorry to hear about Gwydion! And I know what you mean about Morgan being six going on twenty-three; that was always my impression of him. The picture sounds very sweet.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything to say in return, but I was touched by this post, and got tears in my eyes.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That's all I needed to hear.

[psongster.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this with us. ... I remember being Morgan's age, knowing all sorts of things yet somehow not quite understanding what they meant, and then suddenly the pieces would come together. ... It sounds like it's really good that you and Ellen talked with him now, while Gwydion is still around and they can still be friends.

And good luck, yourselves, with Gwydion's illness and your reactions. This stage is hard...

[renniekins.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed reading this.

[neimon.livejournal.com]

I learned to write from Road and Track. It is the most literate of the car books.

Nothing bad can come of this.

out of the mouths of babes

[2wanda.livejournal.com]

Wonderful post. My husband, ronebofh sent me here to read it. Thanks for the wonderful reminder of how wise a 6-year old can be.

Re: out of the mouths of babes

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

Pleeztameetcha, at last! And I'm honored. If rone liked it, I know I did something right. :-)

About truth

[neimon.livejournal.com]

6-year-olds still kow about truth. Things die. Life goes on. There's no baggage.

The war? Tax breaks for the already comfortable? Bigotry disguised as morality?

Never mind that. Let's hear about renewal and cycles.

Let us listen to 6-year-olds. I have fought long and hard never to lose my internal 4-year-old. I've paid a vast price. It was worth it.

And those who see the truth in a 6-year-old? Blessed are you.

[crouchback.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I hope Gwydion can pass peacefully in sleep.

This really touched me. The dog is busy trying to lick the tears off my face.

[likethewatch.livejournal.com]

As you have written this touching post, I can identify with Morgan. My cat Summer died recently, and I was devastated. I never had pets before these two cats (http://www.geocities.com/likethewatch/kitty.html), so it was my first experience of losing a pet. Summer was a weird cat: she didn't like other cats, didn't know how to groom herself. She was kind of gross, in fact, but also very pretty with unusual calico markings. I was surprised at how powerfully I felt grief for her.

[wolfkitn.livejournal.com]

this was ... wonderful to read, and i also have tears in my eyes. i continue to learn and know that kids have more insight and intelligence than most adults (you and ellen and many of our friends being wonderful counterexamples) give them credit for. the ones who have adults in their lives who realise this are truly the lucky ones -- as morgan is.

best of luck to all of you with dealing with gwydion's illness... *hugs*

M&G

[actjack.livejournal.com]

Tim,
Can you get me a copy of Morgan's drawing?
PS Quinn w/ R&T? That's my boy!

Re: M&G

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

I already took a picture of the drawing but didn't have a chance to upload it yet. I'll do that when I get home tonight.

Quinn has an uncanny instinct for cars. For several months now, he can point at a picture of a car in a magazine and say "Daddy's green car," "red van," "granny and grampa's car," "John's car," and so on, and in every case -- yup, that's a 1999 Mazda Protege, that's a 1996 Aerostar, etc. His other favorite magazine in the world is Consumer Reports, since there's an auto-buying guide in every other issue. I thought you'd be proud. :-)

[innerdoggie.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about Gwydion's illness. My old cat died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 11, and so I never had to make hard decisions about old age, final illnesses and euthanasia. Hugs to all your household while you go through this.

[phornax.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting a very touching story.

[lcohen]

thank you for sharing this, tim. it's beautifully written and a beautiful thing, though hard and tear-making.

i hope it all goes in the best possible way, considering that there is no happy ending. *hugs for all of you*