Morgan and Gwydion

When Morgan was born, he came home a slender little thing, less "economy size" than "travel size." He weighed just a bit under eight pounds. Gwydion weighed almost twice as much at that point, and it was seeing them side by side that drove home to me just how tiny Morgan was.

We were worried about how Gwydion would react to having a new person in the house. He'd always been a moody, cantankerous beast, not quick to take to new people and easily disturbed. He may go from contented purring to hissing and spitting in a matter of seconds; a vet told Ellen years ago that this behavior was due to tiny seizures.

But it turned out we had nothing to worry about. Gwydion recognized right away that this little person we'd brought home was another member of the family. Rather than push him away, Gwydion would seek Morgan out, come find where he was doing his baby thing, and curl up next to him. When Morgan started kicking and flailing, as newborns are prone to do, Gwydion would glare at him and might shift position a bit, but generally demonstrate a level of patience that we had not seen in him before.

Morgan, growing into a boy, seemed to be impatient with Gwydion. He often asked about getting another pet, like a bunny rabbit or a hamster. We have always been nervous about keeping pets who were natural enemies of each other, so I would tell Morgan that we would talk about it when Gwydion died. This prompted unsavory thoughts like, "I hope Gwydion dies soon," "I can't wait for Gwydion to die so we can get another pet," and "Can we get another pet right away as soon as Gwydion dies?"

These were especially difficult questions for me because, in fact, we do not think it will be that long until Gwydion dies. He has been suffering kidney disease for well over a year. The KD foods we have tried on him don't appear to have helped much. Hardly a day goes by that he doesn't vomit somewhere in the house, usually two or three times. It makes us angry and frustrated with him, for making life so difficult, and that in turn makes us angry and ashamed of ourselves. Morgan's questions were not unreasonable for a four- or five-year-old who doesn't yet have a strong grasp of what death is and what it means to people, but we were already worn raw by Gwydion's ill health, and Morgan's questions burned me yet worse.

This week we will be talking with our vet about treatment options -- the next step, probably, will be pilling -- and we started using words like "putting him to sleep." We sat down yesterday to talk to Morgan about this possibility. He just about fell apart. Ellen and I held him while he sobbed uncontrollably. "I just hate to think that Gwydion won't still be with us," he said.

I felt like an idiot for not realizing how bonded he was to the cat. We can see that bond every day, when Morgan and Quinn go tearing off across the house, playing tag with him. Even if Morgan feels impatient sometimes to get a new pet, Gwydion has been a part of his family since he was born. We talked to him about this, too. "I guess that Gwydion always was my friend and I just didn't know it until now," he said.

Smart kid.

Later that day Morgan sat down with his markers and a drawing pad. Ellen and I left him alone, figuring that doing some drawing was the best way for him to calm down. In a little while he came to us and showed us his picture. He had drawn a living room couch, with Ellen sitting on one side and me lying on the other, and himself -- as a baby -- curled up with Gwydion in between us. Above the couch there are hanging pictures with hearts in them, and on the right of the picture there is a cat's face inside a heart.

My son still had tears on his cheeks. "I just want to keep something that will help me remember what Gwydion was like," he told me.

Morgan is six and a half years old. I tell people sometimes that he's six going on twenty-three. Usually that's when we're having trouble persuading him to put on his jacket before going out. But it's true in many other ways as well. I hope never to shut myself off from all that my son has to teach me about the resiliency of life.